This past weekend was chock-full of stupidly awesome criminals.

Get this, the Palm Beach County sheriff’s office is looking for a fat guy wearing a ninja outfit that was seen trying to steal two ATM machines last week.

Picture a guy with a ninja mask, wearing a super tight sweatshirt with his gut hanging out and black sweatpants. And for humor sake, let’s pretend he was wearing white Reebok sneakers.

Now imagine you’re in line at the ATM, and this guy pops out from behind a bush and tries to take the machine. Try calling the police on that one without busting into laughter.

I’m all about being tough on crime, but I think if you’re a fat person that isn’t afraid to rob someone wearing a ninja outfit that’s too small for you, you should get a free pass.

Next, we got news that the Somali pirates hijacking a Saudi oil tanker have released the ship after being given a $3 million ransom.

But as the pirates sailed away with their booty, their boat tipped over and five of them drowned on Friday. Talk about Karma.

What made me laugh the most is an article I read that interviewed someone about this and actually referred to his job title as a pirate. Can you imagine running into someone at a party whose job was a pirate?

“So what do you do for a living?”

“Oh, I’m a financial planner for an investment bank. What about you?”

“Me? I’m a pirate.”

“I’m sorry, did you say pyrotechnician?”

“No, pirate.”

“A pirate?”

“Yeah, that’s why I have this bird on my shoulder.”

“Ok, ummm, I think I’m going to go into the kitchen and see if there are any nachos left.

(Ninja photo by Matthew Brown/The Journal News)

(Pirate photo by Kathy Gardner/The Journal News )